From the Ashes There Rises a Phoenix
The Legend:
The phoenix is a mythical, immortal bird known for its cyclical rebirth, rising from the ashes of its predecessor after a fiery death. Originating in Greek mythology, it’s a symbol of renewal, resurrection, and eternal life. Many cultures have analogs to the phoenix, including the Egyptian Bennu bird.
Or, if you are just a normal human finding yourself in a seemingly rock-bottom place- I got you!
I have just come through the fire, and I think I have risen from the virtual ashes of my destroyed world. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but believe you me, it was every bit as motion-picturesque as it sounds.
The first days-
I was lost, exhausted, and devastated. These are a few of the adjectives that described my state of mind. I found myself homeless. I still had two boys at home, and one of them was about to graduate in- just under two month. I thought I had the rest of my life figured out-AGAIN. Well, that’s what I get for thinking. I was very, very wrong.
The first steps
These were very rocky days for my little family. I was officially living on my boss’s couch.(Side note- I’m 53 freaking years old and should not be finding myself in this particular situation) She had graciously given my boys their own bedroom, and I was reeling. On the one hand, we were safe, I no longer was living in the constant fight or flight mode I’d been living in for a decade, BUT I sat in those moments wondering what in the he** should my next steps be? I had failed, AGAIN. Where were we going to live? How are we going to live? How could I possibly get through all of the things I was about to face head-on? Just thinking of all of the hurdles I had coming at me made me want to curl up and quit.
I felt like I was leaving with no regrets. I tried to love someone the very best way I knew how, and I learned another very difficult lesson. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be. Sometimes we just aren’t enough. Maybe just maybe no one would be “enough”
I have spent the past 2 years in therapy, and I learned so much about myself; it’s a little scary. There are weaknesses there that I never knew I had. I am and probably always will be a people-pleaser, only now I have learned the hard way that if you do not fill your own cup, you will not be able to continue filling others.
“I think I can”
I am going to refer to the middle time with these words. I have been so emotional (anybody that knows me knows). There has been the confusion state -” what in the actual fu** did I do to end up here?”, the complete mess state – I cannot believe I didn’t dehydrate myself with all of the tears and then came the radical acceptance state- this has happened and there is nothing I can do to change this course I’m on. I need to choose how exactly I am going to do that. Slowly, I picked myself up. I have learned to listen to that little voice inside of you, she is telling the G**damned truth, and it will behoove you to give her a listen. I have learned that 1 day at a time is how I need to move forward, but that moving forward was the only choice.
I realized ….
- I have a habit of making the wrong choices.
- I was the only one of us who was shedding any tears at all.
- I had become just another someone who wouldn’t ever be enough.
- I am not chasing the big show; I want a peaceful, little life with all of the ones around me that I love.
Slowly, day after day, I found gratitude. I found little things to be thankful for in every single day, and by doing this, I found myself again.
Over the past few months, I have become very, very familiar with the terms
Trauma-bond
A trauma bond is an emotional attachment that forms in an abusive relationship, specifically the connection the victim feels toward the perpetrator.
A trauma bond is characterized by cycles of negative reinforcement interspersed with occasional bursts of positive reinforcement; this so-called intermittent reinforcement makes it very difficult to leave an abusive relationship. But with support, healing is always possible.
Narcissism–
Superficiality: Relationships tend to be transactional and exploitative rather than deep or intimate.
Manipulation and Control: Narcissistic individuals often use tactics like gaslighting, devaluation, and blame-shifting to control others.
Emotional Unavailability: They lack the capacity for sustained emotional connection and readily disregard the feelings and needs of those around them.
Co-dependency
In unhealthy codependent relationships, the “giver” tends to be overly responsible, making excuses for the “taker” and taking over their obligations. Givers are self-critical and often perfectionistic; fixing or rescuing others makes them feel needed. They focus so much on pleasing others that they neglect their own wants and needs. Givers generally have low self-esteem, find it hard to set boundaries and be assertive, and struggle with asking for help when they need it. Takers are often struggling with serious issues, such as emotional immaturity, mental health problems, and addiction.
All of these terms that were not in my vocabulary just over a decade ago and now they are used nearly every day. I want to say that I am strong, I want to say that I have gotten past the hardest parts, and yet I found myself literally crying at a Farmers’ Market yesterday when I saw a basket of fresh raspberries.
For now, I am content to say I am a work in progress, and I think that I move forward every single day, becoming the “me” I was meant to be.
If you or someone you know is struggling and needs an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, please reach out to me. No one should struggle alone, and I’m here to tell you, there is so much happiness on the other side. Just take the next right step for you (and your children, if that is where you’re at?)
Click on each of the images above for more information!
Above all else, start by building yourself up. Know or remember your worth and take all of the little wins you can get.
My journey continues every day-3 steps forward, 1 step back. Either way, it’s progress!
Peace, Mel
