Blog
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Finding Your Purpose in all the noise
In April of this year, I (we) found ourselves with no home, and completely unsure of what the next “right” step would be.
There were a few things I did know. I knew I could not let myself become a puddle of depression; I knew that being a mother to the two boys I still had at home was the thing that would keep me putting one foot in front of the other, and it did.
There were days that I wanted to just stay in bed, but I pushed to take care of the things I had to. I had a soon-to-be graduate. There are deadlines and dinners, awards banquets and scholarships to apply for. I had another son who had to help me decide where we were going to go. He has two years of school left, and these are two incredibly important years in a young man’s life. So here is the fuel that got me out of bed.
A.There were just too many things that needed to be done almost immediately.
B. I needed to be strong for both of them and make some life-altering decisions.
There are moments in your life that become cornerstones, mile-markers, or points that you will look back on and know that they changed your life forever. This was one of them for me.
I have spent the past two years in therapy (I know many of you don’t believe in that route). For me, these past two years were the ones that gave me back my strength. Slowly, I was becoming myself again. I was regaining my inner light, and the people closest to me were seeing it.
The moment-
As I look back with more clarity, this moment had been building for a very long time. Somewhere deep inside of me, I knew that things weren’t healthy; they were not as they seemed on the surface or what I had been telling myself. I had lost myself over the past decade, and I still cannot tell you when it began, but here I was, and I needed to make some very big and scary changes.
I started small, little by little, over a year ago, one year into therapy, and now one more year recognizing the red flags that led me to this point.
So many times, my inner voice had told me to go, told me to run and not look back. I couldn’t; it seemed I was so bonded to what I believed was my future that I was willing to become a virtual shell of my former self-until I wasn’t.
That day, for whatever reason, when I was told to “get my shit out,” We actually did. And yes, it was scary, and no, I had no freaking clue where we were going to go, but what I did know was that we would be ok. I would come out stronger and better in the days to come. And we are….
The first baby steps
I stumbled upon a book, well, I was recommended a book, which led to a second book, yada yada. Then another friend said, “Hey, have you ever listened to this podcast?” I had never listened to a podcast in my life, and TBH, I thought they were just shorter news broadcasts. I was about to find out how wrong I was. I took the advice, I listened to that podcast, and that led to more and more podcasts until I became a junkie of sorts. I had been living under a rock after all. There were so many incredible people out there, all ready to take my hand and deliver me into my next life. So many untapped resources. I was a few podcasts in when I felt a little flutter of something….It was the flutter of my former self reawakening, and I was ecstatic.
Breaking out of the shell
When I first felt that flutter, I thought maybe it was fear. Fear of the unknown, after all, I had no actual idea where we would go or how to get us there. The things I had learned over the past two years would prove to be priceless.
I realized I had done the hard things before. I had put one foot in front of the other, and little by little I had learned how to run. This has been, without a doubt, the hardest yet most rewarding season of my life. I am extremely thankful to my family and friends who have reached out and been here when I thought I couldn’t make it. There are no words for me to use to say how much I appreciate every one of you. In the past few months, I have laughed harder than I remembered I could. I have cried until I had no more tears left, and I am healing… I am going back to the person I was, but I am returning with more wisdom, more peace, and the realization that I have a lot more love to give.
More good than bad..
I still have days, days that the tears are there at the ready. We had been called “twin flames.” I am not sure what exactly that means, but I know that every person deserves to feel love without stipulations. We deserve to feel safe in our homes and in our lives. I have more good days than bad days now, and I am very thankful to have found a peace that I had forgotten existed. Thank you, thank you God for allowing me to see the other side of despair. I have gotten to see myself in a different light. I am not a failure, I loved with my whole heart. If I wasn’t in the right situation, all I can say is I did my best.
Moving on..
I am learning how to see my future differently from how I had. I am learning how to trust myself going forward and realize that whatever God has in store for me, I will be healed, and I will be ready with the best version of myself.
Peace, Mel
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Hope will be my North Star
The Rising Phoenix Con’t….
We officially spent nearly a month living in my boss’s basement. It gave me some time to re-center, time to grieve, and a friendship to lift me up when it was most needed. I cried – a lot… I truly felt I had been with the one that I was supposed to spend forever with. It turns out, you never really know what roads this life will take you down. That was where I found myself.
As it was in the beginning
If you have read my stories thus far, you will know there is absolutely NOTHING on this journey called life that was on my radar.I have felt like I am just letting life throw me around in a blender and spit me out in various different places. (Like in Back to the Future, but it was my day-to-day life). I would then begin putting out the little fires as life handed them to me. I am now 53 years old, and I have been on some crazy journeys, devastating journeys, and journeys that taught me lessons.
I have never one-time learned anything the easy way. I chose not to listen to peers who warned about certain situations or gave me advice to choose differently.
Well, here I go again. The motto of my future life–Hope will be my North Star.
The 2nd half
I am now trying to take those lessons, the memories, and all of the experiences and turn them into something special. I have dragged along this book of regrets, mistakes etc. for way too many years. This spring/summer has given me time to reflect on who I really want to be when I “grow up”; it has given me the clarity and gratitude that will be my priceless companion for the rest of my days on this earth.
I have been so incredibly fortunate to get to travel our beautiful world and share those stories (although I still have places on my bucket list- probably always will. I have seen and experienced things I never thought possible. I have four amazing boys that I love with my entire heart. I have felt what real love feels like – for that I am so thankful, and now I also know what the hurt of losing that feels like.
All of this has given me wisdom to share, compassion for those who are in the thick of it, and a desire to help people find their own passions, too. God put me on this planet for a purpose, first and foremost, was to be a mother. I think it is the most important job on the planet, and I am thankful to be blessed to get to do the job four times over. And 2nd, to help as many people as I can realize their true potential and find their ultimate purpose.
The Now
Many have asked and want to know the whole ugly story… it is not worth telling….. When I left, I did not recognize myself anymore. Those closest to me had told me for a very long time how worried they were about me. I need to choose to move forward with the situation at hand and put the past behind me. There is no need to do a he said/she-said kinda thing, and those that need to know, know, and those that don’t ….. We both have a story, or a version, or whatever. There was a time that I thought I should write a damned book (I actually have it started and am on page 40), but after moving this far ahead in my journey, I think writing the book would just make me relive the negative over and over, and it’s not worth losing any more time. I am moving forward stronger, better, and happier than ever.
The most important lessons I have learned are these:
- Trust your gut-listen to it, it steers you where you need to go. I tried to defy her for a very long time; here I am, she was right all along.
- Trust that there ARE brighter days ahead- Believe it with your whole heart. Put one foot in front of the other and make your next best right decision.
- Trust your tribe-love them hard. You don’t need a huge tribe, you need a good tribe. Choose them wisely.
- Be your own best friend– your greatest love should be the one you give yourself. We come in alone and go out alone. I witness this nearly every day now. Do I want, on that last day, to be surrounded by those that I have had a positive impact on-you bet I do. I want to know that I gave all the love that I have and have no regrets.
By using these 4 simple things and living one day at a time, I have gotten so much stronger than I thought I could be and so much better.
The Good Stuff
I am creating a little life here. I am blessed enough to watch my boys all grow and do amazing things. I’m lucky enough that they include me in their wins and trust me with their struggles.
I have a home that I am making my own; it’s peaceful, and there are no daily tears shed. My anxiety level has gone down to near zero.
I am doing things on my terms and on my time. I have a job that I believe may have been put on the planet for me….I get to make people smile every single day; who wouldn’t want that to be their life?
I apologize if this all sounds a bit too good to be true. The struggle has been real, and it’s been hard. Perhaps the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I want to leave you with hope. Hope is the greatest thing you can have in your life; it is always there if you want to reach for it. If I can turn my life around and start all over in 4 short months, then so can you, my darlings
Stay Tuned, There is Much More to Come….
Until then, Peace-
Mel
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Surviving Trauma and Emotional Abuse
Surviving Trauma and Abuse: Pathways to Healing and Resilience
Trauma and abuse—these can be emotional, physical, sexual, or psychological. It can leave deep scars that influence every aspect of your life. The journey toward healing is often hard and not a straight path. It requires you to be patient with and to forgive yourself. Understanding how to navigate this path is essential if you’re goal is to reclaim your life and build your confidence.
Recognizing and Validating Your Experience
The first step in surviving trauma and abuse is acknowledgment. You may struggle with feelings of shame, guilt, or denial. The first step to beginning the healing process is recognizing that what happened was not your fault. Talking with trusted friends, family, or mental health professionals can help you understand your experience and foster a sense of safety.
Seeking Professional Support
Therapy plays a critical role in recovery. Approaches such as trauma-focused cognitive-behavioral therapy (TF-CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), or somatic therapies can help process traumatic memories and reduce their emotional impact. A mental health professional can also assist in developing coping strategies to manage symptoms like anxiety, depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Every person is different and not all methods may be right for you. Remember to keep going forward and find the process and avenue that works best for you.
I personally, made a choice to spend time reading, getting educated about what was actually happening to me. Once I realized that I was not crazy and that the life I was living was not normal, I decided to make a change and focus on getting my mind straight and building my confidence back up. Here are some of the resources that helped me tremendously.
Building a Support System
Some of us often benefit from connecting with others who understand our experiences. Support groups, whether in person or online, can provide a sense of community and validation. Building trusting relationships with empathetic individuals will help to foster resilience and reduces feelings of isolation.
Prioritizing Self-Care
Healing requires nurturing yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This includes maintaining a balanced diet, engaging in regular physical activity, practicing mindfulness or meditation, and ensuring adequate rest. Creative outlets like art, music, or writing can also serve as therapeutic tools. I personally have spent a lot of time with my boys. Embracing every single second and realizing how incredibly lucky I am to have the family I do. Find your team, let them help you (I have not been typically good at accepting help). Let them love you and be so grateful to have them. Keep telling yourself about all of the good things in your life. I know that it might feel like there isn’t a lot. I have felt like a failure – I’m not, and I am not going to continue feeling guilty for being taken advantage of. I do not feel bad about loving with my whole heart, for giving so much that I lost myself. Be thankful that you survived and were able to get out.
Finding positive things in your every day life can be difficult at first. I know I wanted to just curl in a ball and just let life keep happening “to” me, until the day I decided I wouldn’t. I had lost so much of myself but, there was a tiny spark let in there that I could hear–“you were meant for more than this”– and you are too! I embraced yoga and meditation, I know that that might not be for everyone but, I needed a way to calm my racing mind. I started walking every morning, bonus points awarded if you can get outside and combine some nature with your steps. When you are out there – listen to what’s around you, feel the breeze embrace your senses.
Establishing Boundaries and Safety
For many of us, establishing boundaries is the most important for reclaiming control in your life. This might mean limiting contact with your abuser, creating personal safety plans, or setting firm limits in relationships. Feeling physically and emotionally safe is foundational to healing. Creating a safe place for myself and my kids has been my north star. I am no longer willing to live a life where I walk on eggshells, where I never know if I share my feelings they will be met with belittling or even worse not even recognized as legitimate. I am slowly learning not to be small, or be quiet. Own your voice and find strength in it.
Embracing Patience and Compassion
Recovery is never a straight line or an easy path. Some days will be harder than others, and setbacks can and will occur. Give yourself grace, you did not arrive here overnight and should expect it to take some time until you can feel like yourself again. Celebrating your small victories – your good days or even moments can boost your confidence and motivation. Most of all stay the course. One day you will find yourself on the other side of the chaos, the pain and nothing will ever be so important.
Empowerment and Moving Forward
Overcoming trauma and abuse involves taking back your power over your own life. You can do this by remembering what your interestsare, setting goals, and creating a sense of purpose. Many people that have survived this kind of abuse find strength in advocacy, activism, or helping others who are going through similar experiences.
Final Thoughts
Surviving trauma and abuse is a so very hard and requires a great amount of strength. It requires resilience, support, and ongoing effort. While the scars may remain, healing is possible. With access to the right resources and compassionate support, you can rebuild their life, grow your inner strength, and thrive beyond your past experiences. Remember, you are not alone, and help is available on the path to recovery.
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5 must haves for every kitchen
Must have kitchen items I couldn’t live without.
When you are shopping for items, whether for a gift or for yourself, it is much easier to find things that others have tried and loved. There are so many choices out there, it is overwhelming.
As a mom to 5 boys, and 1 VERY hungry husband, I have cooked my share of meals. We have hosted family get-togethers etc. Here are some items that I could not live without.
Click here to shop >>>>Ceramic Pots and pan set
I had lived most of my 52 years with the standard pots and pans. I had never had a ceramic set until I was given one for Christmas (thanks sweetheart). I for some reason thought everything would stick and be terrible to clean. I was totally mistaken. If you have never tried ceramic I cannot tell you what a difference it has made in my life. Gone are the old and tired “nonstick”. I am telling you, give ceramic a shot. Don’t just take my word for it, read the reviews here.
Click here to shop>>>>Hands free colander
Kitchen Gizmo Snap N’ Strain – Silicone Clip-On Colander, Heat Resistant Drainer fo Vegetables and Pasta Noodles, Kitchen Gadgets for Bowl, Pots, and Pans.
This colander replaces the large and clunky, hard to clean metal colanders of your mother’s. You cannot go wrong adding this to your collection. I find myself using this nearly every day. You can check out the nearly 40,000 5 star reviews right here.
Click here to shop>>>>Utensil Set
White Silicone and Gold Cooking Utensils Set with Holder – 7PC Silicone Cooking Utensils Set Includes Gold Kitchen Utensils, Gold Whisk, Gold Spatula, & Gold Utensil Holder
When you are working with good pots and pans, you cannot sacrifice good utensils to keep them looking and performing like new. This set not only looks fantastic but, will keep your pots and pans like the day you brought them home. Read all the reviews right here.
Click here to shop>>>>Bakeware set and accessories
BAKKENMASTE 18-Piece Deluxe Nonstick Carbon Steel Bakeware Set – Professional Kitchen Oven Baking Pans with White Silicone Handles and Accessories
No kitchen is complete without and essential bakeware set. This set has everything you will need to make outstanding pies to scrumptious cupcakes.
Your family will be thrilled with all of the treats you’ll be bringing to the table. I have struggled in the pastry department but, with this set it makes baking and clean up a breeze. Over 1500 people can’t be wrong. Read the reviews here.
Click here to shop>>>>#1 must have for every kitchen
PowerXL Air Fryer 7 QT Maxx Classic, Extra Hot Air Fry, Cook, Crisp, Broil, Roast, Bake, High Gloss Finish, Nonstick, Black
I was given an air fryer a few years ago (before they were such a big thing) and I had no clue what to use it for so it sat and sat like just another gadget on my counter. Fast forward to today and I wouldn’t be without one. This has been a lifesaver both in time and in calories. It is amazing how easy and quick that you can prepare things and without the fat of typical deep frying. If you do not have one of these in your kitchen, do yourself and add it to your list. It would also make a great gift for anyone you know just starting out on their own.
You can read all of the 5000+ 5 star reviews right here.
I hope that this helps you whether you are shopping for a foodie in your life or for yourself.
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Intermittent Fasting and the Menopause Middle.
I spent the first 40 years of my life very fortunate. I could (and would) eat whatever I wanted and not gain a single pound. Then, like a tornado, the onset of menopause. Now I would love to not put all of the blame on menopause. I have not been the kindest to my body. It turns out I’ve let the Western Diet (fast food, artificial chemicals on or in nearly everything) take over my life. Have you taken a look at an ingredient list lately? Very likely there will be many ingredients that you cannot even pronounce. In 1958, the FDA introduced a program called GRAS (Generally Recognized as Safe). This is the program that these chemicals fall under. An example of one of these chemicals would be MSG. These chemicals will stay on this list until we discover they are dangerous. Partially hydrogenated oils were once on this list. In 2015, it was removed when they ruled they were no longer safe to eat. The FDA reduced the amount of trans fat allowed into our foods. By labeling food either low fat or fat free it led us to believe that we should feel good about picking up these foods. When in fact, we are all collectively gaining weight. This led to another problem by reducing the amount of fat they were left with another problem—flavor. So, began the creation of the litany of chemicals and artificial flavorings that then has gotten mixed in, sprayed on or any other means necessary to fix the zero fat/zero flavor issue on their hands. It also increased the amount of sugar in these foods.
If you want more information, you can read this consumer reports article.
I believe there are many factors at play here that have contributed to this unwanted middle section of my body. I have been researching in so many different places. And there are an unbelievable amount of information it’s overwhelming.
There are so many schemes out there to get you to get out your credit cards and be sucked into the “lose 20 lbs in 30 days” wormhole. Perhaps buy these gummies and you just need to chew 2 each morning and find the weight just falling off, like Oprah and Garth Brooks (heads up, they didn’t actually use this method) You name it. I’ve been sucked into all of them.
When I turned 40, symptoms weren’t drastic they snuck up on me like a secret shadow. Night sweats here and there, brain fog, exhaustion for no reason, and man was I crabby; like I couldn’t stand myself. Then I noticed that my clothes didn’t fit me like they used to. Turns out I didn’t accidentally shrink everything in my closet. I was blaming it on the stress of the Covid lockdown, the sudden start to my homeschooling career and complete lack of social interaction.
I fully believe that all of these things played a part and I didn’t realize it until I had gained 30 lbs and my body was stiff and inflexible. I couldn’t do things that used to be so simple, like bending down and standing back up. It sounds crazy. If I could have seen my future self and known what was coming maybe I would have taken steps to avoid this long road I am now beginning. I didn’t realize just how drastically that menopause would change my hormones. We all have survived the “time-of-the-month” hormones and mood swings. Well, menopause takes these to a whole new level. I have looked at many different approaches and talked to many people that have tried some of the more popular methods out there. Keto, Vegan, Mediterranean, powders, supplements, yada, yada.
I stumbled on this incredible book and countless videos of Dr. Mindy Pelz. She is the author of The Menopause Reset, The Reset factor and Fast Like a Girl.
All of her books are available here
All of these questions I have, it turns out may be answered with the process of Intermittent Fasting, or IF. The studies she has done and the science behind it is extremely fascinating. I am embarking on her 30-day reset to test her theories. I am praying that this is the answer I so desperately have been looking for.
As far as the menopause mystery goes, I feel like I may have come out the other side of the dark place that it became for me. It is no joke; it turned me into a person I did not recognize. The best way I can explain it is this—It’s like it took my brain and my body, put them in a blender, ran it on high for a minute and poured me back out and said “here you go, good luck!”
If you or someone you love is dealing with the same issues, if you have been through it and would like to share any advice, please do so. I believe it is something that needs to be talked about. We as women should not have to travel through it alone. You can check out Dr. Mindy’s website here. Or catch up on her YouTube channel here.
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How to go from election division to holiday togetherness
Going from Election season to Holiday season
Every single election cycle brings a huge amount of stress. From all of the ads bombarding us at every turn TV/radio/billboards/nightly news the list goes on.
Whether you are a Democrat, Republican or Independant. Whatever the reasons that you vote the way you do, the importance is that you exercise your right to vote that our ancestors have fought so hard to protect. That being said, I want help our families and communities to heal from all of the division.
Tomorrow I am taking my son along to vote for the very first time. It started me thinking about how this right even came to pass and all of those that left their blood sweat and tears for us to have
Here is an excellent resource to show you the history, it shows you how this country went from white, male landowners being the only ones with this right to today.
This election has driven wedges within families and we are all so divided. The left has gone left and the right has gone right. I don’t think that this is what our forefathers had in mind when this country was founded. Regardless of your views I want to bring our families back together. Every American is entitled to their view and opinion. This is our freedom. So, please I beg that we each do a little less judging and a lot more listening.
Merging the divide
In this article you’ll find answers to some of the questions you may have about the upcoming holiday season.
If you feel the need to take the elephant out of the room, let everyone know before hand that there will be no discussing politics while visiting. Many times when a family or friends are so divided on a subject and there is some alcohol being consumed it can be like a match to the flame.
The most important take away is finding your ability to remain calm regardless of the situation. This year I am going to choose to focus on what I can control, myself.
My favorite ways to keep calm when I want to lose my sh**
Breathe: Taking deep breaths, and learning breathing techniques is one of the very best ways to calm yourself down and avoid saying something that may create an even worse situation. Try deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Be mindful: Having this kind of attitude can help you to stay focused and clear-headed.
Talking to a friend: Someone who knows you well can calm you almost in an instant.
Take a break: There may be times when you just need to walk away and take a few minutes to yourself to gain a fresh outlook.
There are countless resources out there to help you avoid freaking out in any given situation.
Even a better way to handle the situation is to try and avoid it all together. Knowing that you are tired, hungry (or hangry) and know that any difficult situation could be much more difficult if this is the case. Get to know yourself even better by digging deep and realizing when you are running on an empty tank and take a step back to refill your own cup. They say you cannot pour from an empty cup. Learn how to gauge your own feelings and care for yourself first.
If you need some ideas where to start check out this great blog post!
After all of the negative political talk and the never ending media loop I invite you to focus your energy on your family, this wonderful time of year and go all out with your festivities. Here you can find all of your baking/decorating needs. Let this be your most fabulous holiday season yet.
Click on the photo below and bring peace and a festive fall feel to your home!!
Let’s break the internet and share your favorite Thanksgiving recipes or traditions. Please comment below.
