The Legend:

The phoenix is a mythical, immortal bird known for its cyclical rebirth, rising from the ashes of its predecessor after a fiery death. Originating in Greek mythology, it’s a symbol of renewal, resurrection, and eternal life. Many cultures have analogs to the phoenix, including the Egyptian Bennu bird. 

Or, if you are just a normal human finding yourself in a seemingly rock-bottom place- I got you! 

I have just come through the fire, and I think I have risen from the virtual ashes of my destroyed world. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but believe you me, it was every bit as motion-picturesque as it sounds. 

The first days-

I was lost, exhausted, and devastated. These are a few of the adjectives that described my state of mind. I found myself homeless. I still had two boys at home, and one of them was about to graduate in- just under two month. I thought I had the rest of my life figured out-AGAIN. Well, that’s what I get for thinking. I was very, very wrong. 

The first steps

These were very rocky days for my little family. I was officially living on my boss’s couch.(Side note- I’m 53 freaking years old and should not be finding myself in this particular situation)  She had graciously given my boys their own bedroom, and I was reeling. On the one hand, we were safe, I no longer was living in the constant fight or flight mode I’d been living in for a decade, BUT I sat in those moments wondering what in the he** should my next steps be? I had failed, AGAIN. Where were we going to live? How are we going to live? How could I possibly get through all of the things I was about to face head-on? Just thinking of all of the hurdles I had coming at me made me want to curl up and quit. 

I felt like I was leaving with no regrets. I tried to love someone the very best way I knew how, and I learned another very difficult lesson. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be. Sometimes we just aren’t enough. Maybe just maybe no one would be “enough”

I have spent the past 2 years in therapy, and I learned so much about myself; it’s a little scary. There are weaknesses there that I never knew I had. I am and probably always will be a people-pleaser, only now I have learned the hard way that if you do not fill your own cup, you will not be able to continue filling others.

“I think I can”

I am going to refer to the middle time with these words. I have been so emotional (anybody that knows me knows). There has been the confusion state -” what in the actual fu** did I do to end up here?”, the complete mess state – I cannot believe I didn’t dehydrate myself with all of the tears and then came the radical acceptance state- this has happened and there is nothing I can do to change this course I’m on. I need to choose how exactly I am going to do that. Slowly, I picked myself up. I have learned to listen to that little voice inside of you, she is telling the G**damned truth, and it will behoove you to give her a listen. I have learned that 1 day at a time is how I need to move forward, but that moving forward was the only choice.  

I realized ….

1. I have a habit of making the wrong choices.
2. I was the only one of us who was shedding any tears at all. 
3. I had become just another someone who wouldn’t ever be enough.
4. I am not chasing the big show; I want a peaceful, little life with all of the ones around me that I love.

Slowly, day after day, I found gratitude. I found little things to be thankful for in every single day, and by doing this, I found myself again.

Over the past few months, I have become very, very familiar with the terms

Trauma-bond

A trauma bond is an emotional attachment that forms in an abusive relationship, specifically the connection the victim feels toward the perpetrator.

A trauma bond is characterized by cycles of negative reinforcement interspersed with occasional bursts of positive reinforcement; this so-called intermittent reinforcement makes it very difficult to leave an abusive relationship. But with support, healing is always possible.

Narcissism–

Superficiality: Relationships tend to be transactional and exploitative rather than deep or intimate. 

Manipulation and Control: Narcissistic individuals often use tactics like gaslighting, devaluation, and blame-shifting to control others. 

Emotional Unavailability: They lack the capacity for sustained emotional connection and readily disregard the feelings and needs of those around them. 

Co-dependency

In unhealthy codependent relationships, the “giver” tends to be overly responsible, making excuses for the “taker” and taking over their obligations. Givers are self-critical and often perfectionistic; fixing or rescuing others makes them feel needed. They focus so much on pleasing others that they neglect their own wants and needs. Givers generally have low self-esteem, find it hard to set boundaries and be assertive, and struggle with asking for help when they need it. Takers are often struggling with serious issues, such as emotional immaturity, mental health problems, and addiction.

All of these terms that were not in my vocabulary just over a decade ago and now they are used nearly every day. I want to say that I am strong, I want to say that I have gotten past the hardest parts, and yet I found myself literally crying at a Farmers’ Market yesterday when I saw a basket of fresh raspberries.

For now, I am content to say I am a work in progress, and I think that I move forward every single day, becoming the “me” I was meant to be.

If you or someone you know is struggling and needs an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, please reach out to me. No one should struggle alone, and I’m here to tell you, there is so much happiness on the other side. Just take the next right step for you (and your children, if that is where you’re at?)

Home

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Above all else, start by building yourself up. Know or remember your worth and take all of the little wins you can get.

My journey continues every day-3 steps forward, 1 step back. Either way, it’s progress!

Peace, Mel

I’m not sure if you are a fan of New Year’s resolutions or not. There are times that I have fully embraced the idea, thinking “all right, look out world I’m about to do this new thing (insert your thing) only to find yourself on February 1st feeling like a failure. I know I have many many times. So, is your plan to wait until next Jan 1st to try again? That’s 11 months away girlfriend. I want to live my best life now and I do not want to wait.

This year I had a similar experience. I had so many “resolutions” and thought this year is going to be the year that I accomplish so many goals. Here is a few— Learn a language, cut back on the alcohol, lose the menopause middle, eat healthy, move more–you get my point. Well, so far (at the time of writing this, it’s March 25th, nearly a full 3 months, into the “New Year”. I’ve had some wins, many setbacks and once again learned things along the way. What is the best path to living the best year of your life?

Tip #1- If you fail, do not wait to start again, every single day is a chance to celebrate a “New Year” it’s a new day. It could be the start of a week wherever that falls for you.

Tip #2– Never ever give up. Even when you face challenges or setbacks, never stop believing in yourself. There will always be people in your life who will not see your goals and understand them.

Tip #3– Be very clear about what is you want and write down a path for yourself to achieve it. Nobody else can see your vision, nobody else has been through what you’ve been through. You have beaten every single challenge you’ve had up until this point. Cheesy quote alert–If you can dream it, you can chase it!

Tip#4-You are allowed to start small. Start with one thing that you want to change about your life. You know that thing that keeps nagging at you, start with that. Do you want to start eating healthier–choose to add 1 fruit and 1 vegetable to each meal you have and build from there. If it’s to drink more water or add more steps to your day? Start with a smaller, more attainable goal and build on it. One day 6 glasses, the next 7 or one week 10,000 steps a day the next 12,000.

In his book Atomic Habits, James Clear talks about habit stacking, and ever since this theory blew my mind, I have been paying close attention to my “everyday” habits. I wake up and brush my teeth, after that, I wash my face and put on moisturizer. This became a perfect time to add a habit like journaling or yoga. When you build on habits you already have it becomes easier to incorporate them into your everyday living. Soon you won’t even need to think about it and you’ll just be doing it. If the first thing you do in the morning is make a pot of coffee–take those 5/10 minutes and use them to stretch or do some squats. It may not seem like much but, getting some movement in as soon as you start your day can set you up to win that day. If you win that day, make a promise to yourself to win the next one, and so on.

I believe I can and will live the best year of my life. Below, I am attaching an ebook for you to challenge yourself to make this year, whether you are starting this on Jan 1st or April 1st, the best year of your life. Click on the image below to grab your copy.

Well, give me a question, and a rabbit hole I will find . Have you ever heard of the Enneagram personality test? I’ve probably been living under some sort of boulder, but I finally came out, and it is sort of mind-blowing. It answers a ton of questions for me and was really interesting to read and try to understand why some of my relationships are more difficult than others.  What is your personality type? Why does it matter?

Have you taken one of these tests? How accurate did your results seem to you?  

I got lost for a couple of days reading how each personality type interacts with the other. Why is it that some people you meet you just seem to gel with, while others seem to have the opposite effect? It all seems kind of “woo-woo” but it is interesting nonetheless. 

I am going to share my results and I hope that you will share your thoughts with me.. 

Type 9- The Peacemaker

Type 9’s on the Enneagram are often referred to as- The Peacemakers due to their desire for harmony, unity, and inner peace. They are characterized by their easygoing nature, adaptability, and ability to see multiple perspectives. Type 9s seek to avoid conflict and maintain a sense of tranquility both within themselves and in their relationships with others. Their core motivation is to create a sense of wholeness and connection, often by merging with others’ desires and preferences. Driven by a fundamental belief that all viewpoints are valid and deserving of respect, Type 9s excel at fostering cooperation and understanding.

They are typically empathetic listeners, able to empathize with a wide range of experiences and emotions. However, their tendency to prioritize others’ needs over their own can sometimes lead to neglecting their desires and goals, resulting in internal disconnection or inertia. The whole report is 19 pages long and I am sure that is not what you want to do with your time. If there are other Type 9s out there…I feel ya! If you want to find out what your type is you can head over to Blossom Up and follow me down this rabbit hole. 

If you are a type 9 like me and find yourself being taken advantage of, walked on or treated poorly just because someone can; pick yourself up, dust yourself off and realize you are stronger than you think, you are braver than you give yourself credit for! And just because I can I’m going to share a little more Dr. Suess because I think he was a little “woo-woo” himself