Finding Your Purpose in all the noise

In April of this year, I (we) found ourselves with no home, and completely unsure of what the next “right” step would be.

There were a few things I did know. I knew I could not let myself become a puddle of depression; I knew that being a mother to the two boys I still had at home was the thing that would keep me putting one foot in front of the other, and it did. 

There were days that I wanted to just stay in bed, but I pushed to take care of the things I had to. I had a soon-to-be graduate. There are deadlines and dinners, awards banquets and scholarships to apply for.  I had another son who had to help me decide where we were going to go.  He has two years of school left, and these are two incredibly important years in a young man’s life. So here is the fuel that got me out of bed.

A.There were just too many things that needed to be done almost immediately.

B. I needed to be strong for both of them and make some life-altering decisions. 

There are moments in your life that become cornerstones, mile-markers, or points that you will look back on and know that they changed your life forever. This was one of them for me. 

I have spent the past two years in therapy (I know many of you don’t believe in that route). For me, these past two years were the ones that gave me back my strength. Slowly, I was becoming myself again. I was regaining my inner light, and the people closest to me were seeing it.

The moment-

As I look back with more clarity, this moment had been building for a very long time. Somewhere deep inside of me, I knew that things weren’t healthy; they were not as they seemed on the surface or what I had been telling myself. I had lost myself over the past decade, and I still cannot tell you when it began, but here I was, and I needed to make some very big and scary changes.

I started small, little by little, over a year ago, one year into therapy, and now one more year recognizing the red flags that led me to this point.

So many times, my inner voice had told me to go, told me to run and not look back. I couldn’t; it seemed I was so bonded to what I believed was my future that I was willing to become a virtual shell of my former self-until I wasn’t.

That day, for whatever reason, when I was told to “get my shit out,” We actually did. And yes, it was scary, and no, I had no freaking clue where we were going to go, but what I did know was that we would be ok. I would come out stronger and better in the days to come. And we are….

The first baby steps

I stumbled upon a book, well, I was recommended a book, which led to a second book, yada yada. Then another friend said, “Hey, have you ever listened to this podcast?” I had never listened to a podcast in my life, and TBH, I thought they were just shorter news broadcasts. I was about to find out how wrong I was.  I took the advice, I listened to that podcast, and that led to more and more podcasts until I became a junkie of sorts. I had been living under a rock after all. There were so many incredible people out there, all ready to take my hand and deliver me into my next life. So many untapped resources. I was a few podcasts in when I felt a little flutter of something….It was the flutter of my former self reawakening, and I was ecstatic. 

Breaking out of the shell

When I first felt that flutter, I thought maybe it was fear. Fear of the unknown, after all, I had no actual idea where we would go or how to get us there. The things I had learned over the past two years would prove to be priceless. 

I realized I had done the hard things before. I had put one foot in front of the other, and little by little I had learned how to run. This has been, without a doubt, the hardest yet most rewarding season of my life. I am extremely thankful to my family and friends who have reached out and been here when I thought I couldn’t make it.  There are no words for me to use to say how much I appreciate every one of you. In the past few months, I have laughed harder than I remembered I could. I have cried until I had no more tears left, and I am healing… I am going back to the person I was, but I am returning with more wisdom, more peace, and the realization that I have a lot more love to give. 

More good than bad..

I still have days, days that the tears are there at the ready. We had been called “twin flames.” I am not sure what exactly that means, but I know that every person deserves to feel love without stipulations. We deserve to feel safe in our homes and in our lives. I have more good days than bad days now, and I am very thankful to have found a peace that I had forgotten existed. Thank you, thank you God for allowing me to see the other side of despair. I have gotten to see myself in a different light. I am not a failure, I loved with my whole heart. If I wasn’t in the right situation, all I can say is I did my best. 

Moving on..

I am learning how to see my future differently from how I had. I am learning how to trust myself going forward and realize that whatever God has in store for me, I will be healed, and I will be ready with the best version of myself.

Peace, Mel